“The family teaches the child how to be a person in society”. Levi Strauss
Let’s explore this word. Is it not to be used, and avoided at all times? Not necessarily. It is a power word. It is negative, but it can be useful and even beneficial in certain circumstances.
It sets limits! That is the point I would like to discuss. Limits.
Montessori activities require the child to be able to work within the limits of the parts and the process of an activity, to ensure successful completion and joyful learning.
Limits and boundaries are necessary for functioning in any group or community, be it a family, a club, or society. Clear limits and boundaries promote well being and harmony. Once the limits or rules are mutually agreed upon and followed, time and energy are available to be utilized for productive and creative endeavors. If limits or boundaries are not clear or inconsistent, uncertainty and chaos reign.
Abuse of power or the overuse of a power word like “no”, can be oppressive, restrictive and detrimental to self-esteem. Alternatively, the lack of consistent limits can be equally damaging. Not knowing where the edge is, never knowing what is expected, can produce anxiety. Knowing the limits of the group and following them, allows for freedom to discover and reach one’s full potential. Once security is experienced, one’s energy can be directed toward experiencing the world, developing the self and contributing to the group.
So what about “no”. Too many or not enough?
Listen to your internal parenting barometer. If you are feeling chaos, more chaos than you like, ask yourself, “are the ground rules clear and consistent”? Choose a behavior that bothers you the most and set a clear guideline to address it. Be consistent, follow through to achieve the desired behavior.
If you are feeling like a policeman too often, then ask “how can I redirect undesirable behavior”? Can I show a curious child how something works before removing it or can I give a limited choose (this or that)? Is my approach calm? Toddlers are power-hungry. They are in the process of defining themselves and becoming their person. When we lose our composure, they win. They have power over us. A good rule of thumb is to use “no” but for very special occasions.
Does the principle “freedom within limits” sound familiar? It is the guideline Montessori teachers to obtain a well-oiled functioning class. It can grace your family with increased harmony, as well.
Here are some quotes from Levi Strauss, an anthropologist that my AMI trainer, Dr. Silvana Montanaro gave us: “The family teaches the child how to be a person in society”. The family is the point of equilibrium between personal and societal growth”. “The family structure provides a filter for the slow process of change in society”.
“To let the child do as he likes when he has not yet developed any powers of control, is to betray the idea of freedom…. Real freedom, instead, is a consequence of development.—The Absorbent Mind
“No” is not a dirty word when used sparingly. Remember:
“Within the child lies the fate of the future.”
Maria Montessori